What Can We Learn From The Love Stories On The Summer I Turned Pretty-lessons On Self Love
As I am watching the last season of the much-acclaimed Prime series The Summer I Turned Pretty, I can’t help but search for commentaries on the latest episodes online to understand where I fall in this debate. While I came across a lot of videos focusing on who’s the better brother, a small percentage of them talked about the protagonist, Belly. The ones that really caught my attention were reflections on how she was starting to lose herself in her relationship by slowly letting go of her inner dialogue. Despite being a series focused on a love triangle and love stories, episode after episode I realized how many interesting insights it gave on the topic of self-love—more specifically, on how its lack can influence how we engage with the people around us. The aim of this article is to break down what self-love, based on my experience, is and how it can help you flourish on your own or alongside someone else.
The Concept of Self-Love and Self-Discovery
“Self-love doesn’t believe you are better than others. It values confronting your flaws and accepting them as they are. It’s about growing your confidence to show up for others with high capacity and security in self,” says Tam Kaur—author and entrepreneur whose work is aimed at helping women thrive on their own—in her book Buy Yourself the Damn Flowers. I decided to start with this quote because it’s probably the first definition of self-love I came across and, as I have grown, despite finding many different alternatives, it was also the one I kept coming back to. The concept of self-love on the internet is usually tied to practices—face masks, taking a day off, getting your nails done—or described as something you have to achieve, like a box to check on a list. What I have learned is that it’s something you consistently exercise, especially on the days you don’t feel your best. I would describe it, under some aspects, as self-compassion. When you mess up or fall back into an old habit, before being so quick to judge yourself, ask: “What would I say to a friend if this happened to them?” While you would want to help them get back on track, in a delicate emotional state you wouldn’t insult them or make them feel worse. Therefore, it’s not about binge-watching your comfort movies every time you feel bad or finding excuses not to do hard things. It’s about listening to your inner voice and trying to understand what is upsetting you.
In the book, another aspect of self-love is self-discovery, which basically means taking the time to get to know yourself and learning about all the things that make you, you. This goes beyond your favorite color or film, as it touches topics like values, boundaries, strengths, and weaknesses. Luckily, more and more people are now putting as much effort into understanding themselves as they do into understanding others. You don’t need a specific journal or to spend money to begin this journey. One of the simplest ways to start—at least for me—is to simply walk without earphones and listen to the flow of your thoughts.
For those who are passionate about the series mentioned earlier, self-discovery plays an important role during the third season. When Belly and Jeremiah announce their engagement, one of her mother’s main concerns is that she is not giving herself enough time to find out who she is. This lack of self-awareness is visible in several instances—when she starts to lose her inner dialogue (symbolizing how she is suppressing her thoughts on the relationship and her feelings), or when she gives up her dreams for the wedding. That is not to say that you can’t cultivate self-love in a relationship; on the contrary, it’s essential that you keep doing so. Because when you let yourself go, the risk is creating resentment toward your partner and living in an unhappy state. Going back to the series, even before all the problems that came to the surface in the last episodes, we see how Belly had the chance to explore different parts of who she is when given the opportunity to study in Paris. That could have been a time to grow on her own while still being in a relationship. But when she gives it up, it symbolizes more than just renouncing a trip—it shows how her personal growth is overshadowed by her romantic relationship. And while there may be compromises you will make with your partner, your values and your dreams should not be on the table.
Learning How to Be on Your Own
Self-love teaches us that we can thrive on our own and don’t have to rely on someone else to feel happy. And while this concept seems easy to grasp, it’s not usually the one best portrayed in series or movies, as the happy ending almost always shows the feeling of completeness secured through another person. Take, for example, the finale of Sex and the City, the beloved ’90s series. While I am a big fan of romance, from the first season the purpose was to portray the lives of successful, messy women in their thirties who were, as defined in the series, each other’s soulmates. Despite the original plot line, the sixth season especially became highly romance-driven, which was very distant from its original purpose.
Being with someone should increase an already existing happiness, not be the factor that dictates whether this happiness exists or not in the fi rst place. In the summer i turned pretty fi nale neither of the brothers would be a happy ending if Belly doesn’t take the time to learn how to be ok (and more) on her own.
And how can we learn it as well?
One of the first things would be to define what happiness means to you. We see so much advice online, but what works for others may not work for us. It could be traveling, your career, a specific hobby, or focusing on your health. It’s more than possible to enjoy by yourself what you usually do with others. From my experience, what I have learned is that spending time with yourself doesn’t mean putting your headphones on and mindlessly walking around the city. It’s more about being present in the moment, people-watching, and reflecting on what has been going on lately in your life. Since keeping everything in your head can be messy (at least for me), writing it down or sending a voice note to yourself is both an efficient way to clear your mind and a nice memory to look back on in the future. But my most important advice would be that self-love (and its practices) is something very personal. Take inspiration from others while still tailoring it to your own needs. Just because you don’t like to travel alone doesn’t mean that self-love isn’t for you; it just means that traveling alone isn’t for you.
It’s Not a Box to Check, It’s a Journey
While a lot of people may think you need to isolate yourself to practice self-love at its fullest, this is a common misconception. Being kind, understanding, and showing up for yourself is a lifelong journey, something you have to keep practicing as time passes. Therefore, you don’t have to wait for a specific moment to start, nor do you need to put your relationships on pause. It is very possible to thrive in friendships and grow with your romantic partner while still taking the time to know yourself on your own. Especially in this season, you will come across a lot of videos on social media telling you to “lock in” or “disappear for 6 months.” Both tactics could help you be more productive, but sometimes they come with the cost of isolation—which is not what humans were meant for. Let those videos be your inspiration for strategic productivity, but keep in mind that you are still allowed to nourish your relationships.
My last reflection on the series is that it really did a good job representing how it feels to get lost in someone else and suddenly wake up. It’s not bad at all to desire spending your life with a partner, but being in a relationship because you don’t want to face yourself alone will connect you with the wrong person for the wrong reasons. Therefore, despite being the first one who still wishes to see romance, what I also want to see is Belly thriving on her own, getting out of her comfort zone, and discovering her identity outside Cousins.
